Teenagers

I know that some of you think as a parent of a five year old and one year old, I am not qualified to talk about teenagers. Well, here are my qualifications:

I have been a group home counselor for almost fifteen years, dealing with all ages of children, and all levels of functioning. Specifically, I have worked with several high-functioning girls of the teenage variety, and let me tell you, in group homes they are just as difficult as in family homes. I have friends with teenaged children who are always sharing horror stories and things that have and haven't worked. And most importantly, my children are still young so I remember what it was like to be a teenager. Of course, when  my boys enter that age, I will forget everything relevant and know nothing, so I'd better put this out there now.

Most children of a certain age (commonly referred to as tweens), undergo a huge personality change. Parents are left wondering who this lookalike-terror really is, but after dealing with the raging temper tantrums (yep, they're back), the attitude, the arguing, and breaking rules, there's little energy to find out what alien life form has moved into your household. The best thing parents can do is keep things consistent and calm (on one side anyway).

I don't mean the rules can't change, because a later curfew and more freedom makes sense for older children, but keep the consequences of breaking the rules consistent. Maybe take away the rights to video games or friends' houses instead of a favourite teddy bear, but you get the picture. Of course, only extend the curfews or increase freedom if it has been earned with responsible behaviour. Hopefully, this is a system they recognize from your earlier parenting. If the consequences match the behaviour, good or bad, it will be effective.

Now the rule breaking (and earning) is taken care of, let's discuss attitude and arguments. Even the most docile of children can develop quite the language when they are struggling with puberty, social change, peer pressure, and all those hormones. I have found the best way to deal with any inappropriate verbal outbursts is to ignore them. Completely. For this to work though, you need to inform that angry teenager first that you will be ignoring all attitude, but you will gladly listen when they are more reasonable. Then walk away. If it helps, go to a place where you can't hear the insults and whining. After a few uses, this will be incredibly effective. Use this technique for the tantrums too.

Unfortunately, there is not much to be done about hormones. As parents, you sometimes need to pick your battles and understand that the unacceptable behaviour is not a teenagers fault, or goal. When that happens, provide some space and time for them to deal with whatever is going on in that teenage head. Then make yourself available to talk when he or she is ready. By doing this, you are showing your teenager that they need to learn how to deal with strong emotions, but you are there for help and support.

With all luck, you and your teenager will make it out of this stage relatively unharmed. Expect to be changed though. There is nothing and no one on this earth (maybe in this galaxy) quite like a teenager.