Some people's children

Many parents are probably familiar with the following situation. You are at the park, or library, or some other public place and your child is playing with or alongside another child. The other child begins to act inappropriately, for example snatching a toy  or hitting someone else. The other parent sits obliviously, caught up in some other activity that is not watching their child. Or worse, the parent watches their child behaving like this and simply ignores it. At what point do you step in and take control of the situation so your own child is not affected by it? And how much are you allowed to say to another person's child in a disciplinary measure, if their own parent is right there and not reacting?

I read some advice in a magazine today that said a good approach is saying something like, "They're getting rough, let's step in and make sure no one gets hurt," and then go deal with the situation, on your own if need be. This is a good approach in some ways, because it is non-accusatory and allows the other parent the option of stepping in with their own child. I would never do this though, because it seems too false and practiced. I also believe that if a parent is sitting and allowing their child to behave in a hurtful manner, not much change is going to come from me stepping in like this. I applaud parents who will use this technique though, because it is effective and gets the point across.

For those like me, who would be uncomfortable with saying something like that to a parent, I have my own techniques I would like to share. First let me clarify two things. I think if older children disagree about something, they should be given a chance to work it out constructively before adult intervention. Second, I don't blame children for acting inappropriately. There have been several times when my own children are the first to act out. I am specifically talking about parents who don't react in a potentially harmful situation.

So here is what I do when my children are being good and another child is not acting nicely. I go to my child and say, "This boy or girl is not sharing nicely. What (or who) else can you play with?" I make sure I am audible but not obvious. This is a brilliant way to get the point across, because the parent usually takes notice when I am talking about their child and will sometimes step in. It also gives the other child a clear message that if he or she wants to play with others, they need to be nice.

The only exception to this is when there is physical violence. I will speak to another person's child directly if they hit my kids. I will remove my child from the area and say, "We won't play here when you are doing that." The stubborn children will follow and try to hit some more, at which point the other parent (still doing nothing) receives the full benefit of my judgment. I will say something like, "Do you think it's fair for your kid to be the only one playing here when he's the only one hurting people?" At which point they almost always take their kids and go, with a dirty look or  nice, loud expletive for me of course.

If you are wondering what to do in a situation where you might have to discipline another person's child, my advice is don't worry about it too much. Focus on your own children and speak as you normally would to them. By being vocal about your decisions to play somewhere else or with someone else, you are teaching your own child about appropriate reactions. Others may or may not get the hint, but that's not up to you.