Ever get the feeling that no matter how hard you try to do everything you can for your kids, there are some things that you just need help with? I feel like that a lot lately. Most of it is J-related at the moment, but today I saw a speech therapist for E, who confirmed that he's way behind in his talking and vocabulary.
Here's the verdict. By eighteen months, kids should be able to say at least fifty words. That leaves him about two and a half weeks to master 44 more. I don't think it's going to happen. He is now on the ten-month long waiting list to see a speech therapist (J's on a different waiting list for the same thing), and I have been told to practice vowel sounds with him, as well as focus on the start of words, rather than the whole thing.
I don't think it's going to be easy to work on things. Kids seem to listen to everyone but their parents, especially when it comes to building skills. E will say what he wants, when he wants. If I encourage him to say "more," for example, he will clamp his mouth shut or whine until I either give him what he wants or distract him. Then two days later, the only word he will say is "more," until I praise him and he stops. Maybe it's a game, but I don't feel like playing it.
So now both of my children are on waiting lists for speech therapy, and one of them is on a list for anxiety and emotional support. I don't want either one of them to be on a list. I feel like Mommy should be the one who makes everything better. I hate the fact that some people are more qualified to help them than I am, but it's for their sake so I can accept it (barely).
Tuesday 26 February 2013
Monday 25 February 2013
Back it up
Hubby and I were discussing why J's behaviour has been so off recently. Some of it is down to anxiety, I know, but anxiety from what? That I don't know. So we were coming up with all sorts of ideas about why he might be a bit more prone to tantrums, arguing, and meltdowns lately. After covering several reasons for maybe, we still weren't any closer to fixing the problem. I got in touch with a service for children, that offers some programs to help with stress and behaviour, but we are on the waiting list for now, and it will be a long wait.
I wondered how I might approach this differently so we can help him a bit in the meantime. I eventually looked back upon what's worked in the past. When J was two, we used sticker charts for everything. He earned rewards for x amount of stickers, and it worked for a lot of things.
I know he's six now, and that seems a bit juvenile (to me at least), so we have changed the approach slightly. Every time he does something after being asked only once, he gets a sticker. His chart will be for each week, so he can see the progress he's making. The stickers don't earn him anything, but instead serve as a visual aid to remind him of his good days.
It's only Day 2 for this chart, but there are already some things that are clear. First, J is excited about the prospect of earning stickers for listening, which tells me that we're on the right track with the visual reinforcement. However, he may be a little too old for it, because whenever I ask him to do something he says, "Okay, I'm ;planning on doing that, so I get a sticker." That's not quite the way it's supposed to work but I feel closer to a solution than I did last week. Perhaps with some tweaking we can come up with something more age appropriate, but I'm gonna stick it out for a week and see how it goes.
I wondered how I might approach this differently so we can help him a bit in the meantime. I eventually looked back upon what's worked in the past. When J was two, we used sticker charts for everything. He earned rewards for x amount of stickers, and it worked for a lot of things.
I know he's six now, and that seems a bit juvenile (to me at least), so we have changed the approach slightly. Every time he does something after being asked only once, he gets a sticker. His chart will be for each week, so he can see the progress he's making. The stickers don't earn him anything, but instead serve as a visual aid to remind him of his good days.
It's only Day 2 for this chart, but there are already some things that are clear. First, J is excited about the prospect of earning stickers for listening, which tells me that we're on the right track with the visual reinforcement. However, he may be a little too old for it, because whenever I ask him to do something he says, "Okay, I'm ;planning on doing that, so I get a sticker." That's not quite the way it's supposed to work but I feel closer to a solution than I did last week. Perhaps with some tweaking we can come up with something more age appropriate, but I'm gonna stick it out for a week and see how it goes.
Sunday 24 February 2013
Best Birthday party EVER!
So I know I'm not a teenager and I shouldn't emphasize anything in all CAPS lock, but in this case I can't help it. J's birthday party was awesome. Ten out of twelve invitees showed up, and one of his friends who couldn't make it brought over J's present early which was so sweet.
Once they were all here, I herded them into the basement to play some games. Long story short, we managed four games and the kids made their own goodie bags with a selection of dollar store stuff I had organized on the couch. I had more games planned, but I learned an important lesson. For every boy that is added to a group, the gravitational pull of Lego gets stronger by approximately 38%. I was impressed that they made it through four games though, so I gave in and let nature run its course.
We then had lunch, which consisted of ten kids sitting on our floor and eating noodles and hot dogs. We have hardwood floors, so it was easy to clean. Then LIall made cupcakes. I originally intended them to create Mater out of a cupcake, but gave them all the choice to decorate how they wished. The biggest shock was that five of them came up to me to tell me they'd had enough and didn't want a tummy ache later, so thanks for the cupcake but in the garbage it goes. WHAT? I mean it's great, but what?
We went sledding after, which was really fun. Of course there was quite a bit of yelling on my part because they all wanted to be the targets for the sleds, and they thought it was fantastic to be knocked over and go flying. Once I convinced them that broken necks wouldn't be fun, it went more smoothly.
All in all, it was a wonderful party and we want to do something similar next year. We had J's birthday at an indoor playground last year, and despite how much easier it was to have someone else set up and clean up, I feel so much better about planning it all myself. I had help of course, and a great big shout out and thank you to my husband, my sister, her husbtand, my neghbour and friend, and our babysitter (who I had the foresight to hire for the party). But the planning was all me, and I feel great that everyone had so much fun. I'm even toying with the idea of having a "for the heck of it party" this summer, but we'll see.
Once they were all here, I herded them into the basement to play some games. Long story short, we managed four games and the kids made their own goodie bags with a selection of dollar store stuff I had organized on the couch. I had more games planned, but I learned an important lesson. For every boy that is added to a group, the gravitational pull of Lego gets stronger by approximately 38%. I was impressed that they made it through four games though, so I gave in and let nature run its course.
We then had lunch, which consisted of ten kids sitting on our floor and eating noodles and hot dogs. We have hardwood floors, so it was easy to clean. Then LIall made cupcakes. I originally intended them to create Mater out of a cupcake, but gave them all the choice to decorate how they wished. The biggest shock was that five of them came up to me to tell me they'd had enough and didn't want a tummy ache later, so thanks for the cupcake but in the garbage it goes. WHAT? I mean it's great, but what?
We went sledding after, which was really fun. Of course there was quite a bit of yelling on my part because they all wanted to be the targets for the sleds, and they thought it was fantastic to be knocked over and go flying. Once I convinced them that broken necks wouldn't be fun, it went more smoothly.
All in all, it was a wonderful party and we want to do something similar next year. We had J's birthday at an indoor playground last year, and despite how much easier it was to have someone else set up and clean up, I feel so much better about planning it all myself. I had help of course, and a great big shout out and thank you to my husband, my sister, her husbtand, my neghbour and friend, and our babysitter (who I had the foresight to hire for the party). But the planning was all me, and I feel great that everyone had so much fun. I'm even toying with the idea of having a "for the heck of it party" this summer, but we'll see.
Funny Toddlers
Everyone whose ever had a toddler will know that sometimes it's a bit tricky. There are tantrums to deal with, growing independence, teething, and lots of messes. There are fun times too, but I'll get to those later so I can end on a positive note.
The tantrums are definitely not fun, but I'm lucky in the sense that E doesn't have many of them. When he does, he's easy to distract and it's over quickly. I know he hasn't gotten to the full-blown stage yet, but I'm hoping with a little tantrum-training now, when he does it won't be so bad. I'll let you know if it works when he's eighteen and we're past the unreasonable phase.
The growing independence is common to all kids of E's age, but I think E is perhaps a bit more exploratory than most. He is good in the sense that he closes cupboards, doors, and dishwashers (except when he shuts himself into the washroom, that's always hit or miss). He knows where everything goes and he knows, for the most part, what he can touch and can't. He still needs constant supervision though. That kid can move the step stool to where he needs it and get onto the counter for snacks. And while he doesn't do stuff like that often, he's smart enough that he can figure it all out and I can't take my eyes off him.
All parents know about teething, so I will just say this: it stinks. For those moms and dads whose children don't wake up every half hour, or develop a diaper rash to end all rashes, or can't be put down for three days, I have nothing to say to you on the topic.
Now the mess. I saved this one for last because there's no way it can be avoided. Here are some of my tricks though to help. Keep a broom by the high chair. Have a spray bottle with vinegar and a rag by the high chair too, where your toddler can't reach. Trust me, it's easier to clean spaghetti off the floor immediately, rather than wait for bedtime. Invest in some used shirts that match the colour of your toddler's favourite food. For E, it's ketchup. I don't follow this advice because I look horrible in red, but I end up with ketchup smears all over my shirts and it could, technically, be hidden. For toy messes, designate a bucket for tidy up. When your little one's in the right mood, let them go around and pick up stray toys so you can sort them out. Keep the biggest mat you can by the door (if it covers half your living room, all the better), and have separate baskets for kids mitts and hats, and adults mitts and hats.
Now that we've talked about some difficult aspects of raising a toddler into a mature and responsible preschooler, let's cover the fun times. Every little one or two year old has their own patterns and gestures and personality. E mimics everything we do. J gets him going with a game of "Whoever wants a cookie, put your hand up." And E does every time. He loves this game, and he has many others, but the point is, every toddler has their own little games and actions to enjoy. Encourage this play, because a sense of humour is even more enjoyable in a three year old.
Toddlers are also more affectionate than they will ever be again. Those days when E won't let me put him down, I remind myself that before I know it (when he's thirteen, probably), he'll want nothing to do with me. Soon enough, he will know that Mommy can't make it all better all the time, but right now I can appreciate his disillusionment. My arm still gets sore, but it's easier to focus on how cuddly he is than how clingy he is.
My favourite part of this age: with the exception of his little rages, everything he does is designed to get a good reaction from us. He plays and jokes and acts silly to get me to laugh. He hugs me and wipes his nose on my shoulder (his version of a kiss, I tell myself) to make me smile. But the best part is, once I'm happy, he's even happier. I appreciate his good moods and sense of humour and empathy, and it more than makes up for all the mess and stair climbing.
The tantrums are definitely not fun, but I'm lucky in the sense that E doesn't have many of them. When he does, he's easy to distract and it's over quickly. I know he hasn't gotten to the full-blown stage yet, but I'm hoping with a little tantrum-training now, when he does it won't be so bad. I'll let you know if it works when he's eighteen and we're past the unreasonable phase.
The growing independence is common to all kids of E's age, but I think E is perhaps a bit more exploratory than most. He is good in the sense that he closes cupboards, doors, and dishwashers (except when he shuts himself into the washroom, that's always hit or miss). He knows where everything goes and he knows, for the most part, what he can touch and can't. He still needs constant supervision though. That kid can move the step stool to where he needs it and get onto the counter for snacks. And while he doesn't do stuff like that often, he's smart enough that he can figure it all out and I can't take my eyes off him.
All parents know about teething, so I will just say this: it stinks. For those moms and dads whose children don't wake up every half hour, or develop a diaper rash to end all rashes, or can't be put down for three days, I have nothing to say to you on the topic.
Now the mess. I saved this one for last because there's no way it can be avoided. Here are some of my tricks though to help. Keep a broom by the high chair. Have a spray bottle with vinegar and a rag by the high chair too, where your toddler can't reach. Trust me, it's easier to clean spaghetti off the floor immediately, rather than wait for bedtime. Invest in some used shirts that match the colour of your toddler's favourite food. For E, it's ketchup. I don't follow this advice because I look horrible in red, but I end up with ketchup smears all over my shirts and it could, technically, be hidden. For toy messes, designate a bucket for tidy up. When your little one's in the right mood, let them go around and pick up stray toys so you can sort them out. Keep the biggest mat you can by the door (if it covers half your living room, all the better), and have separate baskets for kids mitts and hats, and adults mitts and hats.
Now that we've talked about some difficult aspects of raising a toddler into a mature and responsible preschooler, let's cover the fun times. Every little one or two year old has their own patterns and gestures and personality. E mimics everything we do. J gets him going with a game of "Whoever wants a cookie, put your hand up." And E does every time. He loves this game, and he has many others, but the point is, every toddler has their own little games and actions to enjoy. Encourage this play, because a sense of humour is even more enjoyable in a three year old.
Toddlers are also more affectionate than they will ever be again. Those days when E won't let me put him down, I remind myself that before I know it (when he's thirteen, probably), he'll want nothing to do with me. Soon enough, he will know that Mommy can't make it all better all the time, but right now I can appreciate his disillusionment. My arm still gets sore, but it's easier to focus on how cuddly he is than how clingy he is.
My favourite part of this age: with the exception of his little rages, everything he does is designed to get a good reaction from us. He plays and jokes and acts silly to get me to laugh. He hugs me and wipes his nose on my shoulder (his version of a kiss, I tell myself) to make me smile. But the best part is, once I'm happy, he's even happier. I appreciate his good moods and sense of humour and empathy, and it more than makes up for all the mess and stair climbing.
Thursday 21 February 2013
Speech what?
I received a phone call yesterday from the resource counselor at J's school. She said the "hi, how are you" bit, and jumped right into her reason for calling. J's teacher has noted him as one of the students who would benefit from speechha therapy. I was thinking that it might be something to look into, because although he has the vocabulary of someone twice his age and can express his emotions and opinions elaborately, he still has a problem saying the "L" and "R" sounds. He can't say them at all.
I've talked to several people about this, friends, family, and professionals, and they have all told me not to worry, he's fine. But his school thinks differently. I'm okay with that. I gave the necessary permission to have him evaluated and get the ball rolling for speech therapy. I thought it was all taken care of, but the counselor didn't.
She went on to tell me that it's good we're doing something now, because if he continues struggling with his enunciation, it could affect his reading. He is an advanced reader, and I pointed this out to her. She then said, yes, he's great at reading, but that's because he can memorize every word he sees the first time. Huh? That either makes him a lot smarter than I gave him credit for, or a lot worse at reading than I thought he was. If I believed it. I don't.
I also don't believe that if he continues with a speech problem, he might forget how to read, how to write, and some letter recognition. Excuse me? Really? Well, when he's older of course.
Although I don't buy it, I wonder how a conversation about his language development went from an agreeable (possible) treatment plan to a forecast of (possible) educational regression. It might have been necessary to bring up whatever research she had on the topic had I refused to have him evaluated, but I was agreeing with her recommendations.
This focus on the negative made me jump to all sorts of irrational mom conclusions, like what haven't I done to help him more, and why is it my child struggling? Then I got a grip and realized that J's perfect in his own imperfect way. I wouldn't change a thing about him, and if I have any real concerns about what I'm not doing right I need to focus on how I can change, not him. But for now, I'm happy that I am encouraging support for him. However misguided the reasons for the recommendation may be, I can see that it will help him in the future.
I've talked to several people about this, friends, family, and professionals, and they have all told me not to worry, he's fine. But his school thinks differently. I'm okay with that. I gave the necessary permission to have him evaluated and get the ball rolling for speech therapy. I thought it was all taken care of, but the counselor didn't.
She went on to tell me that it's good we're doing something now, because if he continues struggling with his enunciation, it could affect his reading. He is an advanced reader, and I pointed this out to her. She then said, yes, he's great at reading, but that's because he can memorize every word he sees the first time. Huh? That either makes him a lot smarter than I gave him credit for, or a lot worse at reading than I thought he was. If I believed it. I don't.
I also don't believe that if he continues with a speech problem, he might forget how to read, how to write, and some letter recognition. Excuse me? Really? Well, when he's older of course.
Although I don't buy it, I wonder how a conversation about his language development went from an agreeable (possible) treatment plan to a forecast of (possible) educational regression. It might have been necessary to bring up whatever research she had on the topic had I refused to have him evaluated, but I was agreeing with her recommendations.
This focus on the negative made me jump to all sorts of irrational mom conclusions, like what haven't I done to help him more, and why is it my child struggling? Then I got a grip and realized that J's perfect in his own imperfect way. I wouldn't change a thing about him, and if I have any real concerns about what I'm not doing right I need to focus on how I can change, not him. But for now, I'm happy that I am encouraging support for him. However misguided the reasons for the recommendation may be, I can see that it will help him in the future.
Thursday 14 February 2013
For all their lttle monsters
Here's what I think: I think that the children we bring into this world and lovingly devote our time and attention and patience to, sometimes are possessed by little monsters. Maybe they are from a different planet, maybe not, but it happens all the same. It's not our child's fault, but it is inevitable on some days. Here's how to deal with all those little monsters that make their way into your home.
The After-School Monster:
This ones a biggie in our house. The The A-S Monster invades your children when they are tired and have had a mentally stimulating day. The A-S Monster has no attention span, and most times can't wait for you to finish a direction before they are off doing something completely unrelated. The A-S Monster also has a bit of a whiny streak. Any negative answer (as in, no, you can't eat that three layered chocolate cake by yourself before dinner), usually results in whining or questioning. The A-S Monster has the potential at any time to break into a full-out tantrum, with slamming doors and screaming.
There is no cure to the A-S Monster, and he can strike after any very busy and structured day, school-related or not. There are however, things you can do to decrease the potential for a tantrum. Give your child some space and time to relax, alone and with no pressure. The A-S Monster will soon get bored and take a nap, letting your child communicate more effectively for a brief time. Or you could keep your child busy, with lots of activities and public places until they are too tired to disagree with you. And give your child an early bedtime. A-S Monsters are adverse to sleep, and will run away to find something more fun to do.
The I Want More Monster:
This monster has an addictive personality. After something extremely delicious or fun, your child is susceptible to the IWM Monster. The IWM Monster possesses your child to demand more, more, more. He is prone to arguments, pleading, begging, whining, and bribery. The IWM Monster might even cause your child to offer you money for more cookies. You can recognize this monster if your child forgets the meaning of the word no. Instead of complying and waiting for the next round of treats, the IWM Monster will take over and start the negotiations.
You can prevent the IWM Monster sometimes with distraction. After a special treat or really fun party, tell your child about something completely different, but still exciting. This can be something cool planned for next week, a special visitor coming soon, or a random and funny piece of trivia. The IWM Monster will stay away from distracted children. This is one focused monster.
The I Didn't Do It Monster:
This monster is perhaps the hardest to deal with, because he can't grasp the concept of logic. The IDDI Monster will convince your child that what happened didn't actually happen. Your child is probably not lying to you, in the sense that the IDDI Monster has convinced him of another truth. This monster is incapable of taking the blame for anything. He is repetitive, stubborn, and may get upset easily.
This monster can be taken care of by trickery. If your child refuses to admit he broke the toy, despite the fact that he was the only one there, don't argue with him. This leads nowhere and won't teach him anything. Agree that maybe the train did break itself, and if the trains are having a bad day you don't want it to happen to another one. Now you can take all the trains away for a set period of time, and still get your point across. The IDDI Monster will not show up again if a parent agrees with him and then takes the source of the problem away.
There are several other types of monsters that can inhabit your child. There is the Tantrum Monster, whose favourite party trick is to get attention by acting demonic and loud. There is the Mistaken Identity Monster, who makes your child into someone you don't recognize. The Copycat Monster, who loves to copy what other kids say and do to test the limits at home. Perhaps the scariest is the Growth Spurt Monster, who would eat a full-sized dump truck if you put mayonnaise on it.
Good luck with your monsters, and remember the best way to deal with them is to follow your child's lead. Your child cannot help what the monster is doing, so don't blame him or her. Change the situation to make it easier, or develop a natural consequence to teach that monster a lesson, but don't take it out on your kid. They are only doing what they can, and with a monster inside of them, it's sometimes hard.
The After-School Monster:
This ones a biggie in our house. The The A-S Monster invades your children when they are tired and have had a mentally stimulating day. The A-S Monster has no attention span, and most times can't wait for you to finish a direction before they are off doing something completely unrelated. The A-S Monster also has a bit of a whiny streak. Any negative answer (as in, no, you can't eat that three layered chocolate cake by yourself before dinner), usually results in whining or questioning. The A-S Monster has the potential at any time to break into a full-out tantrum, with slamming doors and screaming.
There is no cure to the A-S Monster, and he can strike after any very busy and structured day, school-related or not. There are however, things you can do to decrease the potential for a tantrum. Give your child some space and time to relax, alone and with no pressure. The A-S Monster will soon get bored and take a nap, letting your child communicate more effectively for a brief time. Or you could keep your child busy, with lots of activities and public places until they are too tired to disagree with you. And give your child an early bedtime. A-S Monsters are adverse to sleep, and will run away to find something more fun to do.
The I Want More Monster:
This monster has an addictive personality. After something extremely delicious or fun, your child is susceptible to the IWM Monster. The IWM Monster possesses your child to demand more, more, more. He is prone to arguments, pleading, begging, whining, and bribery. The IWM Monster might even cause your child to offer you money for more cookies. You can recognize this monster if your child forgets the meaning of the word no. Instead of complying and waiting for the next round of treats, the IWM Monster will take over and start the negotiations.
You can prevent the IWM Monster sometimes with distraction. After a special treat or really fun party, tell your child about something completely different, but still exciting. This can be something cool planned for next week, a special visitor coming soon, or a random and funny piece of trivia. The IWM Monster will stay away from distracted children. This is one focused monster.
The I Didn't Do It Monster:
This monster is perhaps the hardest to deal with, because he can't grasp the concept of logic. The IDDI Monster will convince your child that what happened didn't actually happen. Your child is probably not lying to you, in the sense that the IDDI Monster has convinced him of another truth. This monster is incapable of taking the blame for anything. He is repetitive, stubborn, and may get upset easily.
This monster can be taken care of by trickery. If your child refuses to admit he broke the toy, despite the fact that he was the only one there, don't argue with him. This leads nowhere and won't teach him anything. Agree that maybe the train did break itself, and if the trains are having a bad day you don't want it to happen to another one. Now you can take all the trains away for a set period of time, and still get your point across. The IDDI Monster will not show up again if a parent agrees with him and then takes the source of the problem away.
There are several other types of monsters that can inhabit your child. There is the Tantrum Monster, whose favourite party trick is to get attention by acting demonic and loud. There is the Mistaken Identity Monster, who makes your child into someone you don't recognize. The Copycat Monster, who loves to copy what other kids say and do to test the limits at home. Perhaps the scariest is the Growth Spurt Monster, who would eat a full-sized dump truck if you put mayonnaise on it.
Good luck with your monsters, and remember the best way to deal with them is to follow your child's lead. Your child cannot help what the monster is doing, so don't blame him or her. Change the situation to make it easier, or develop a natural consequence to teach that monster a lesson, but don't take it out on your kid. They are only doing what they can, and with a monster inside of them, it's sometimes hard.
Friday 8 February 2013
Doing Good
Some of you know about my other blog, where I'm recording my 365 acts of kindness for the year. J knows I'm doing this too. I want to write about what effect it's had on him som far, after only a month and a half.
To clarify, I've always tried to instill in him a sense of kindness, just because. That's my reason: just because. So he knows how I try to treat people and he was really excited when I told him about my resolution. Since I've started, Jimmy has been performing his own kindnesses too.
He comes home from school and tells me he was really nice to the boy in his class with autism, because he asked everyone to move because he was trying to cross the room and getting upset. He also takes activity books in to share with his classmates for free time, and shared one of his granola bars because another child had finished his lunch and was still hungry.
I love hearing about what he does at school, but it's even more amazing to see what he does when we are out somewhere. He helped a little boy at the library when he dropped a toy and couldn't reach it. He asks if we can shovel someone's driveway whenever it snows, and he's started bringing in recycling bins for people as he walks past. He even put a dollar from his allowance into a donation box for the Salvation Army, without being prompted. These were all his own ideas, just because.
Whatever behavioural issues J has from day to day are small compared to the things I see him doing to be nice. Part of the reason I started the other blog was to put into practice what people keep talking about, with filling buckets and passing it on and such. I wanted people to think about how easy it is just to be kind, and my kids are picking up on it. If no one else gets the message, that's enough for me.
To clarify, I've always tried to instill in him a sense of kindness, just because. That's my reason: just because. So he knows how I try to treat people and he was really excited when I told him about my resolution. Since I've started, Jimmy has been performing his own kindnesses too.
He comes home from school and tells me he was really nice to the boy in his class with autism, because he asked everyone to move because he was trying to cross the room and getting upset. He also takes activity books in to share with his classmates for free time, and shared one of his granola bars because another child had finished his lunch and was still hungry.
I love hearing about what he does at school, but it's even more amazing to see what he does when we are out somewhere. He helped a little boy at the library when he dropped a toy and couldn't reach it. He asks if we can shovel someone's driveway whenever it snows, and he's started bringing in recycling bins for people as he walks past. He even put a dollar from his allowance into a donation box for the Salvation Army, without being prompted. These were all his own ideas, just because.
Whatever behavioural issues J has from day to day are small compared to the things I see him doing to be nice. Part of the reason I started the other blog was to put into practice what people keep talking about, with filling buckets and passing it on and such. I wanted people to think about how easy it is just to be kind, and my kids are picking up on it. If no one else gets the message, that's enough for me.
Wednesday 6 February 2013
How to be appreciated by your kids
The printer doesn't work. I just changed the black ink cartridge and it has no ink apparently. So there was a very upset J when the colouring pages didn't happen. Of course, being the devoted mother that I am, I told him I would draw him a Lightning McQueen picture to colour.And then a big old delivery truck picture while he was colouring Lightning.
While I was doing the truck, J said to me, "The printer would do a much better job." Now I'm no stellar artist but I did a pretty good rendition, if I do say so myself. Once I was done the truck J said, "I really appreciate this Mommy, but I don't want to colour anymore." Immediately followed by, "But when I do, you can do lots more."
So I guess tonight instead of exercising and writing, as I originally planned, I will personally illustrate a colouring book with 1) Mater the tow truck, 2) a fire engine, 3) a garbage truck, 4) a monster truck, 5) a Tim Hortons truck, and 6) two trains (a steam train and a diesel engine). That is his personal request.
I know he appreciates it in his five-year old way, although the printer would do a much nicer picture. But I have figured out how to be appreciated by your kids. Wait until they have kids of their own. Then when they find themselves doing completely crazy things to keep their own children happy, they'll remember what you did that was completely crazy for them. And you will get your gratitude.
While I was doing the truck, J said to me, "The printer would do a much better job." Now I'm no stellar artist but I did a pretty good rendition, if I do say so myself. Once I was done the truck J said, "I really appreciate this Mommy, but I don't want to colour anymore." Immediately followed by, "But when I do, you can do lots more."
So I guess tonight instead of exercising and writing, as I originally planned, I will personally illustrate a colouring book with 1) Mater the tow truck, 2) a fire engine, 3) a garbage truck, 4) a monster truck, 5) a Tim Hortons truck, and 6) two trains (a steam train and a diesel engine). That is his personal request.
I know he appreciates it in his five-year old way, although the printer would do a much nicer picture. But I have figured out how to be appreciated by your kids. Wait until they have kids of their own. Then when they find themselves doing completely crazy things to keep their own children happy, they'll remember what you did that was completely crazy for them. And you will get your gratitude.
Tuesday 5 February 2013
Birthday Party Planning
I suffered years of guilt over birthday parties. Three years to be exact. J was born in Ottawa, and it was a lovely city with great public transportation. We had things to do every day and never waited more than five minutes at any given bus stop. We could hop on the bus and go anywhere, doing anything we wanted and meeting people from all over.
While it was a great way to socialize a child, there was a drawback. We never ran into the same people twice, so it was hard to make friends. It's not socially acceptable in a big city to ask for someone's number so you can have a play date after meeting them once. So we made do with different playmates every day.
Then along comes his birthday. On his first birthday, I invited some little people around our highrise so J could have some friends show up. These weren't the regular sort of friends that we played with often, just said hi to whenever we saw them and chatted for a bit. No one showed up. I remember his first birthday as a sad little affair, the three of us (J, mommy and daddy) eating pizza and cake while wearing party hats and blowing those honker things. Obviously J didn't care at one, but I felt horrible that I couldn't provide him with a party.
When he was two, again no one showed up. After another year, we still hadn't managed to make lasting friends in the capital city. Several invitations went out, people RSVP'd yes, and never came. J cried and waited for the party to show up, and eventually went to bed disappointed thinking no one liked him.
The third year was different, only in that J told me not to bother inviting anyone because he didn't want to wait for no one to come. That was the year I cried. I promised him we would go to his favourite indoor playground, his favourite restaurant, and I'd make his favourite cake. Then he stayed up late watchign his favourite movies and playing games. That year was all about him and he had a good time, but he didn't have a party because he had no one to invite.
The fourth year we had managed to make one little friend for Jimmy that was a repeat buddy. A little girl and her mom came to the party, and J thought it was the best thing ever. We didn't have people visit often, so that one friend made all the difference. As his mom though, I thought it was pretty sad. We could say we were keeping it small, we could say we didn't want people over, but the truth was that in four years, J only had one friend to invite to his party.
I felt so guilty that I wasn't helping my little boy become popular, but I had to remind myself it was the city. If we had stayed there I'm sure he would have collected a ton of friends at school, but we didn't want him to stay there. A big part of the reason we moved was to live in a family-friendly community. Ottawa, for all its beauty and bustle, was not.
The first birthday party J had here was at an indoor playground. It was expensive, but I justified that with the fact that it was his first real party, after four years. It was lots of fun and over fourteen people showed up. J was happy and didn't even think to compare it to his birthdays before. I had to though. I kept asking myself if J was having enough fun, if he was playing with everyone, and if he was happy.
This year, we are keeping the party at home to save money. J has invited eleven people to come, and most of them probably will. I have organized games, possible sledding, food, cake, and apple pie (J's request), and I'm sure it will be a grand time. I hope so anyway. I want every birthday he has from now on to be exactly what he wants and I want him to forget about his first four. He will likely remember them (that kid has the memory of an elephant), but hopefully I can make his birthdays so fun now that it doesn't matter.
While it was a great way to socialize a child, there was a drawback. We never ran into the same people twice, so it was hard to make friends. It's not socially acceptable in a big city to ask for someone's number so you can have a play date after meeting them once. So we made do with different playmates every day.
Then along comes his birthday. On his first birthday, I invited some little people around our highrise so J could have some friends show up. These weren't the regular sort of friends that we played with often, just said hi to whenever we saw them and chatted for a bit. No one showed up. I remember his first birthday as a sad little affair, the three of us (J, mommy and daddy) eating pizza and cake while wearing party hats and blowing those honker things. Obviously J didn't care at one, but I felt horrible that I couldn't provide him with a party.
When he was two, again no one showed up. After another year, we still hadn't managed to make lasting friends in the capital city. Several invitations went out, people RSVP'd yes, and never came. J cried and waited for the party to show up, and eventually went to bed disappointed thinking no one liked him.
The third year was different, only in that J told me not to bother inviting anyone because he didn't want to wait for no one to come. That was the year I cried. I promised him we would go to his favourite indoor playground, his favourite restaurant, and I'd make his favourite cake. Then he stayed up late watchign his favourite movies and playing games. That year was all about him and he had a good time, but he didn't have a party because he had no one to invite.
The fourth year we had managed to make one little friend for Jimmy that was a repeat buddy. A little girl and her mom came to the party, and J thought it was the best thing ever. We didn't have people visit often, so that one friend made all the difference. As his mom though, I thought it was pretty sad. We could say we were keeping it small, we could say we didn't want people over, but the truth was that in four years, J only had one friend to invite to his party.
I felt so guilty that I wasn't helping my little boy become popular, but I had to remind myself it was the city. If we had stayed there I'm sure he would have collected a ton of friends at school, but we didn't want him to stay there. A big part of the reason we moved was to live in a family-friendly community. Ottawa, for all its beauty and bustle, was not.
The first birthday party J had here was at an indoor playground. It was expensive, but I justified that with the fact that it was his first real party, after four years. It was lots of fun and over fourteen people showed up. J was happy and didn't even think to compare it to his birthdays before. I had to though. I kept asking myself if J was having enough fun, if he was playing with everyone, and if he was happy.
This year, we are keeping the party at home to save money. J has invited eleven people to come, and most of them probably will. I have organized games, possible sledding, food, cake, and apple pie (J's request), and I'm sure it will be a grand time. I hope so anyway. I want every birthday he has from now on to be exactly what he wants and I want him to forget about his first four. He will likely remember them (that kid has the memory of an elephant), but hopefully I can make his birthdays so fun now that it doesn't matter.
Sunday 3 February 2013
Smart Wordless Wonder
So Eddie is still not talking. He is almost 17 months and although he is quite talkative, none of it is comprehensible. He will carry on a conversation of nonsense words for hours, and I can't make any sense of it. With the eighteen month mark coming up, I'm starting to get a little worried.
I have several theories for why he's not speaking real words yet. The first is that he has "cute baby syndrome." This is when babies get what they want because they are so cute. There is no reason to put in the effort to talk because as soon as he points to something, someone gets it for him.
Theory # 2 is that he already communicates so well without words that he doesn't really need them. In addition to pointing at things he wants, he will bring something to me to get his message across. When he is wet, he will go and get a new diaper. When he wants a bath he will find his book and point to a duck. When he wants to eat he will go to the Cheerio cupboard and help himself. Yes, we have a Cheerio cupboard.
Theory #3 is one I don't really want to think about; he has a speech delay. I can't reconcile this with the fact that he's so smart otherwise. He puts together peg puzzles easily, he can recognize several animals, he sweeps the floor, he picks up stuff off the floor and puts it in the garbage, he tries to fold laundry, he can stack a huge tower of blocks, and on and on. There isn't anything wrong with his learning, so why is his talking so slow?
No parent wants to think that there may be something wrong with their child, and of course I wouldn't label it that way. But I can't help but think of the worst case scenario either. What if he starts school and he's the only one that can't be understood? What if he is labelled because eh has a speech impediment? What if he has to go to speech therapy and I find out I've done something wrong to cause this?
There are a million things I could doubt about my parenting, and I do regularly. People tell me all sorts of things to make me feel better, like the second child always takes longer to talk. I don't feel much better though, especially when I see nine and ten month old babies stringing two and three words together clearly and Eddie can't even say one clearly.
I am going to talk to a speech therapist about it. The resource centre has one in every few weeks, so I'm going to make sure we are there to meet with her. Until then there's not much I can do but wait and try to encourage the talking. I will know more in a couple of weeks.
I have several theories for why he's not speaking real words yet. The first is that he has "cute baby syndrome." This is when babies get what they want because they are so cute. There is no reason to put in the effort to talk because as soon as he points to something, someone gets it for him.
Theory # 2 is that he already communicates so well without words that he doesn't really need them. In addition to pointing at things he wants, he will bring something to me to get his message across. When he is wet, he will go and get a new diaper. When he wants a bath he will find his book and point to a duck. When he wants to eat he will go to the Cheerio cupboard and help himself. Yes, we have a Cheerio cupboard.
Theory #3 is one I don't really want to think about; he has a speech delay. I can't reconcile this with the fact that he's so smart otherwise. He puts together peg puzzles easily, he can recognize several animals, he sweeps the floor, he picks up stuff off the floor and puts it in the garbage, he tries to fold laundry, he can stack a huge tower of blocks, and on and on. There isn't anything wrong with his learning, so why is his talking so slow?
No parent wants to think that there may be something wrong with their child, and of course I wouldn't label it that way. But I can't help but think of the worst case scenario either. What if he starts school and he's the only one that can't be understood? What if he is labelled because eh has a speech impediment? What if he has to go to speech therapy and I find out I've done something wrong to cause this?
There are a million things I could doubt about my parenting, and I do regularly. People tell me all sorts of things to make me feel better, like the second child always takes longer to talk. I don't feel much better though, especially when I see nine and ten month old babies stringing two and three words together clearly and Eddie can't even say one clearly.
I am going to talk to a speech therapist about it. The resource centre has one in every few weeks, so I'm going to make sure we are there to meet with her. Until then there's not much I can do but wait and try to encourage the talking. I will know more in a couple of weeks.
Saturday 2 February 2013
Positive Parents
I read some advice years ago about maintaining healthy relationships. For every five interactions you have with someone, at least four should be positive. This applies to all relationships, such as with friends, siblings, parents, spouses, etc. For the purpose of this post though, I will focus on the relationships with our children.
It is definitely hard some days to think that 80 % of our interactions should be positive, especially on the days when our children are testing limits and not listening. It is easy to fall back on our own impatience and raise our voices, demand more from them, and keep the negative energy going. I personally can to this; it happens to the best of us, I promise.
On those days though, I always try to remember the happy rule, or the magic ratio. Before you all think I respond to rule breaking with, "that's great sweetie, let's do that again,"I will stipulate that discipline doesn't have to be a negative interaction. A parent can respond to rule breaking without threats, yelling, or impatience. An example would be, "that's not how we play, let's try without the throwing." That's still discipline, it's effective, and in my opinion it is positive.
Maybe the only positive thing about it is that I'm not losing my mind, but it counts toward my four happy interactions. For anyone who hasn't actively tried counting the number of positive interchanges with their kids, please do. It is so easy to change a pattern once we can recognize it, and children will have a lot less pressure and many better days with more relaxed parents.
When I read this article, I remember it was a tough time for Jimmy. He was acting up a lot, practicing his attitude (how else will he get better at it?), and arguing. I remember thinking that most of our interactions were pretty negative because of this behaviour. I tried the ratio thing the next day, and it was as if I had a different child. He started following rules, listening better, and actually using his manners while talking to me.
I had to own up to the fact that while it's not my fault a child misbehaves (they're all going to), I was not doing what I could to help him change his attitude. Now I recognize that instead of letting his (completely normal) testing behaviour affect me, it is much better for everyone to let my positive and calm (mostly) behaviour affect him instead.
Of course some days are harder than others to keep this in mind, but I am the grown up here and I fully believe that I should be the responsible one. So next time your kids drive you up the wall, put on a happy face (or a less angry one at least) and pretend you are having a good day. It will turn better. If it doesn't, blame me.
It is definitely hard some days to think that 80 % of our interactions should be positive, especially on the days when our children are testing limits and not listening. It is easy to fall back on our own impatience and raise our voices, demand more from them, and keep the negative energy going. I personally can to this; it happens to the best of us, I promise.
On those days though, I always try to remember the happy rule, or the magic ratio. Before you all think I respond to rule breaking with, "that's great sweetie, let's do that again,"I will stipulate that discipline doesn't have to be a negative interaction. A parent can respond to rule breaking without threats, yelling, or impatience. An example would be, "that's not how we play, let's try without the throwing." That's still discipline, it's effective, and in my opinion it is positive.
Maybe the only positive thing about it is that I'm not losing my mind, but it counts toward my four happy interactions. For anyone who hasn't actively tried counting the number of positive interchanges with their kids, please do. It is so easy to change a pattern once we can recognize it, and children will have a lot less pressure and many better days with more relaxed parents.
When I read this article, I remember it was a tough time for Jimmy. He was acting up a lot, practicing his attitude (how else will he get better at it?), and arguing. I remember thinking that most of our interactions were pretty negative because of this behaviour. I tried the ratio thing the next day, and it was as if I had a different child. He started following rules, listening better, and actually using his manners while talking to me.
I had to own up to the fact that while it's not my fault a child misbehaves (they're all going to), I was not doing what I could to help him change his attitude. Now I recognize that instead of letting his (completely normal) testing behaviour affect me, it is much better for everyone to let my positive and calm (mostly) behaviour affect him instead.
Of course some days are harder than others to keep this in mind, but I am the grown up here and I fully believe that I should be the responsible one. So next time your kids drive you up the wall, put on a happy face (or a less angry one at least) and pretend you are having a good day. It will turn better. If it doesn't, blame me.
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