How routines can help kids

I was a behavioural counselor for years in various group homes for children, teenagers, and adults with mental disorders. I learned that routines are important for stabilizing behaviour and creating (more) peaceful days. So of course when my first child was born I was ready to take the same concept and apply it at home.

For the most part, it has been successful. The daily routines we have in place are borne out of necessity, such as the breakfast routine or the quiet time routine (if you don't have a quiet time routine, make one). The downside is that my children are now so used to their routines that when they are disrupted, there are problems.

Take when my oldest started Junior Kindergarten last year, as an example. He has never been in day care so I was concerned about his behaviour in the classroom under someone else's supervision. I should have worried about the change in routine instead. The teachers in his school all love him and he behaves like an angel (I don't see that at home, but that will be a topic for another day).

The change in what he was used to led to all sorts of behavioural problems at home. All of a sudden, the boy who knew that arguing and attitude were wrong, began arguing and giving attitude. He was also so tired at the end of a school day that he couldn't keep it together emotionally. There were tantrums aplenty and lots of hurt feelings over minor things.  That was compounded by the fact that all the other kids he met had different rules at home, and he began to copy their behaviour to test it out with us. It was a fun year.

Many parents can relate I'm sure. Not all families are about routine, and some kids are just more flexible than others when it comes to a big change, but most children will be affected somewhat. When you're ready to throw your hands up and yell, remember that it is normal and healthy to act up when there's a disruption in the familiar.

Young children take years to learn about rules and limits.  A parent or caregiver establishes the rules,
 and the child will need to test that. I have never met a child who follows every rule that they hear. They need to test out the consequences for breaking it, and then they need to break that rule again to see that the consequences will be the same. Repetition is the way that children store information, and they will eventually develop automatic behaviour with consistency.

That being said, it seems to go on forever. My oldest was just acting in a stable and predictable manner when he started school and all that testing began again. It took until December for him to get back to normal, and then Christmas break put us back at square one. Then again at March break, and then it was summer holidays. Year two was just as difficult at the beginning of school, but he seems to have gotten over it slightly quicker this year. So he's adjusting but it's taking a while.

The same goes for any big change in the every day for children. Starting a new day care, moving to a different residence, parents going back to work, etc. The possibilities are endless. Remember that whatever your kids throw at you, be consistent and it will pass. It may take a year or four, but it will pass. And speaking from personal experience, having a meltdown and going crazy because you're sick of the testing is common, but will not help your children. Unless it's consistent.