I just finished writing an article about sexualization of youth in today's society. While I can't disclose anything specific I wrote about, doing the research made me think about many things, and I want to share my opinion on the topic.
The teenage dress code seems to be getting smaller. By that I mean skirts and shorts are shorter, shirts are shorter, tighter, and sometimes nonexistent. What passes for clothes nowadays could also pass for underwear. I was shocked by the shameless display of flesh before researching my article, and wondered why parents would let their girls dress that way. Then I got confused, because I started noticing that many parents were dressing the same way. What's worse is I've seen toddlers in this type of clothing, clearly designed to be sexy and provocative. A sexy toddler?
Unfortunately it can be seen everywhere. Most people are familiar with child beauty pageants, which openly define children, toddlers and even babies as appealing. It's not just about beauty anymore, it's about being desirable. Shouldn't we let our kids be kids before they start thinking about how "desirable" they are? In my opinion, this is an extremely dangerous trend, for girls and boys of all ages.
I can't discuss the trend further, without referring to my article so I would like to touch on a few things about parents, their children, and the parent-child relationship regarding this issue. Most parents know how their girls dress, and some even buy the clothing. This is true for young children anyhow, but as kids get older they start shopping on their own. Some parents have no idea what clothes their children are buying because the kids hide it. Other parents believe that it's out of their hands, because the girls are shopping on their own, perhaps earning their own money. And besides, isn't everyone dressing this way? What parent wants to see their child ostracized because she can't wear revealing, "cool" clothing? Or maybe in their insecurity parents are just letting it go, because they don't want to have yet another fight with their teen, or Heaven forbid, be old-fashioned.
I have a confession. I am old-fashioned. I embrace it. I hold on to the older ideals of family life (which is why my husband and I work so hard for me to stay at home) and I believe kids should have rules and boundaries. I believe that parents and guardians should be the most involved people in their children's lives, and I believe that the lasting lessons should also be taught by these people. I believe kids will try to get away with certain things at certain ages, and that parents need to be on top of it. I believe teenagers aren't old enough to know what they want or the consequences of their actions unless they are guided to think about it clearly. I believe that I will be one of the nosiest, involved and possibly overbearing mothers when my boys are teenagers, and I will know most, if not all, of what's going on in their lives. I also believe that if they don't like it, tough! I am their mother and I call the shots until they move out.
There are some things I want too, the main one being that when J and E are older they are comfortable to come talk to me. I may be old-fashioned but I will always try to understand from their perspectives. I want them to learn to think things through before making a decision, and I especially want them to know that their worth is not based on a high school definition based on what's popular at the time. In short, I want them to be confident and aware enough to make smart decisions, be true to themselves and talk to me when they need to.
I understand that sexy clothing is an issue more relevant to girls. I don't know for sure, but I don't think that J will ever come home in spankies and a tube top. Or E for that matter. But this trend will still affect them. It will determine the types of friends they have growing up, their definitions of what's normal and expected and their understanding about gender differences. It will also be apparent once they start dating. I don't know what the clothing trend is going to be in ten years, but I will not allow a girl in this house if she would be better suited for an almost-nude beach. Yes, Ive seen girls wearing so little clothing to school that this qualifies.
Now that you are aware of my opinion on the matter, I'll talk about some of the things we as parents can do to change, or guide our kids toward healthy choices. The way we dress is a direct reflection on ourselves, and although some parents may want their preteen girls sending a message of sexual availability to boys and men alike, I hope those parents are not in the majority.
The first thing we can do is talk. I'm a big fan of talking (ask anyone whose been stuck in a room with me for five minutes) and we need to teach our kids early that we want to talk to them. An early foundation will lead the way to lifelong communication. At least I hope so. I'm going on that philosophy, so I will tell you all if I'm right when the boys are in college. When they're young it's more about telling them things, and as they get older it becomes about questioning. We still have the right to tell a 17 year-old what to do, but it's more effective if we start with a question. Ask why your kids want to dress this way, and what statement they think they're making by doing it? Then ask if everyone else is making the same statement, and they might just realize that when everyone is saying the same thing, it doesn't qualify as much of a statement. It's also important with older kids to discuss the consequences of dressing this way. If they dress to be available, what happens when someone takes them too literally? Scaring teenagers with a possible reality is necessary, because reality is sometimes scary and we can't protect them from that forever.
Another important thing to remember is that while children grow and become more independent, it doesn't mean we should be less involved. Involvement simply takes a different form. Have your kids invite their friends over to your place. They will amuse themselves but it's a great chance for you to keep an eye on them and spot any red flags. Awareness is the key to involvement with older kids, and if something happens that makes you wonder, talk to your child about it privately later. You can also volunteer to drive friends to sports practice or a movie. Most parents are relieved when they get out of taxi service for a bunch of teenagers, but for me it will be another chance to supervise without seeming obvious. Know your kids friends. Know their parents. Be involved and aware and listen when they don't think you're listening.
At any age it's good to tell your child what their strengths are. They may be athletic, intelligent or extremely good at singing the Beatles a capello while performing on a unicycle. Whatever it is they are good at, encourage it. Celebrate with your child their achievements and they will develop a sense of pride in something outside appearance. Take some time to talk to them about their friends now. What is great about them? Who is their best friend and why? This will help children realize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and start to evaluate people based on more than appearance. In ten years everyone will look different, and it's important to show your kid that personality traits are usually a bit more permanent than an appealing body.
One more thing we can do is take a look at ourselves. If parents are modelling age-inappropriate behaviour then of course our kids will follow. Question why you think you should be the "cool parent," and instead use your behaviour as an example of responsibility. Phases will pass if they are just phases, but if a child is taught that being "cool" is a priority, they will always follow the crowd. If they have appropriate role models, they will come back to reality once their phase has passed. As a parent, your kids aren't supposed to like you much of the time. If you offer sound advice and reasonable expectations, they will come to you again and again for advice, even if they hate what you say. Relax because they don't really hate you, they just think they do because they hate needing you. And they do need you.
Those are some of my thoughts on this trend of sexualization. Parents need to start young because kids are hit with the message young. Always be aware of what your children are exposed to, what they are trying and who they hang out with. Don't stop being involved because teenagers are older. Talk to them and guide them. Do you really want your son to grow up and think he will marry a supermodel? Or your daughter to grow up thinking her sole positive attribute is her appearance?
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