Stressed out kids

I read an article the other day on kids experiencing stress. It explained that children have stress from many situations, like everyone else. But it doesn't translate into the same symptoms as an adult who has stress. For this reason, many parents don't attribute certain behaviours to anxiety.

I recognize anxiety in J, although it's hard to tell which behaviours are from stress versus which ones are simply because he's a five year-old boy. The article was very enlightening though, because it described many examples of behaviour that I was categorizing wrong.

To clarify, Jimmy is a very sensitive child. He feels an extreme sense of guilt if he has hurt anyone or made anyone feel bad. He strives for perfection in everything he does, although I constantly reinforce that he shouldn't be perfect. There are times when all parents are hard on their children in terms of what they expect, but Jimmy expects more of himself than we do and it's a lot of pressure for him.

I recognize what it is, but I didn't recognize the results of it. Signs of anxiety in children are easily mistaken for high energy and poor listening. For example, fidgeting, running around, lack of attention, forgetfulness, and non-stop talking are all signs of anxiety. They are also many of the signs for ADHD. It's confusing for parents, but imagine how children must feel if we can't define what's really wrong to help them with it.

I'm glad I know the distinction now, but what really gets me is they don't offer support for kids with anxiety until the child is seven. At least this is the case in our area. But much of the information focuses on older children as well. There are courses for children and parents of children who have stress, but not for Jimmy's age. I know anxiety isn't exclusive to older children, but no one else seems to know this. It's either put down to behavioural problems appropriate for the age, or in the worst-case scenario, ADHD.

So we had to come up with a solution. We lightened up a lot regarding the rules and expectations, which helped with the behavioural issues, like slamming doors and throwing toys. He still fidgets and has a hard time sitting still, but he's getting better. When it's clear something is bothering him, it helps to spend some one on one time with him, doing whatever he chooses. Deep breathing commonly helps many kids, but not J.

We are lucky we recognized the challenge for what it is, because we have found some appropriate ways to help J. I just want more doctors and child professionals to accept that younger children can have anxiety too. And I would like parents to know that there isn't anything wrong with their children or themselves because of it. There can be a lot of guilt associated with parenting, and often the solution comes from redefining the problem.

On a final note, I will outline some common reasons for kids to have stress. Obvious ones are separation of their parents, moving to a new home, or the death of a family member or pet. Less obvious ones are having a fight with a friend at school, not liking their teacher, a change in routine, or a struggle with school work. Even things that kids get really excited about, like a new sport or a birthday party, can cause anxiety. Any change, positive or negative, can be a cause. You know your child best, and can use whatever strategy helps them through it.

Dry Skin

J and E both suffer from severely dry skin. E has outbreaks of eczema with the raised, bumpy patches that seem to correlate to teething. I have been trying different products and following advice from doctors and everyone else for years. I can't seem to find one thing that works for both children, but I have gone through enough trials to figure out what doesn't work.

This one's for parents of kids with dry skin or eczema. In the interest of not being sued for libel, I will not list the products that don't work, only the ones that do. J still has cradle cap (which is evidence of nothing working), and I finally tried Aveeno Moisturizing Baby Wash with oatmeal on it. I bought it for E originally, but it does nothing for his skin or cradle cap. It doesn't help J's skin, but his cradle cap came right off after the first use.

For J's skin, I needed special permission from a doctor to use Eucerin with 10% Urea, which got rid of all his scales after a week. I can't use it on E though because he's too young. It also works to reduce my psoriasis, but not eliminate it for all the parents with skin problems of your own. It's expensive though.

For E, the Babyboo lotion works well on his skin. It softens it but doesn't eliminate the dry skin completely. This is an all natural lotion with bamboo, and it smells like ice cream. It's a great price too, and can be found at Walmart. It does nothing for J though. I haven't tried the shampoo from Babyboo, but I will because I have not found anything yet for E's cradle cap.

When E gets his raised patches of eczema, the only thing that works so far is diaper cream. It will take it away after two applications.

I hope this helps some of you who may be struggling with the same thing. Make sure you get a doctor's permission before you try the medicated over the counter lotions though. There are several products out there and some might be harmful to children.

A weekend without the kids

This past weekend my mom offered to take the kids so my husband and I could have some time to ourselves. Friday was fun. We went out for dinner, went book shopping, had a coffee, and went for a short walk in the cold. Then we went home and watched some British television on Netflix, and called it a night.

After sleeping in until a record-breaking 8:45 on Saturday morning, I got up and relaxed on the couch, reading and drinking coffee. I finished the last half of my novel and wondered what else to do. It was noon. I got up to write for a bit, had a shower, and wandered the kitchen and living room. It was 1 pm. All this time and so much nothing to do. It was a problem.

I got frustrated. My husband and I had already decided we were not going to be productive on this day. I was bored. I felt useless. And my back was killing me for sitting down for two hours. Exercise was a little too ambitious for me, but I went out to do some shopping. I thought maybe I would enjoy browsing around for mommy things, but I didn`t. I felt there was no point to it, so I went to the drug store to pick up something for my mom and went home. I ordered a very early dinner for pick up, and picked it up very early. That was useful I suppose.

The day was not a total loss though. I did enjoy the morning. I also realized something very important. I am incapable of relaxing (i.e. doing nothing) for a long period of time. It made me much more grateful for my kids. They keep me busy and productive. When there is a full day and nothing to fill it, I don`t feel normal.

The end of the story is that I missed my kids a lot more than they missed me. Apparently E fell asleep without much fuss for Nanna at naptime and bedtime, and he slept through the night too. J missed me a little on Friday night, but by Saturday he was too busy enjoying himself to think of me much.

When we picked them up on Sunday they were both happy to see us, despite hardly noticing we were gone. Nanna can have them again (she said they were wonderful and well-behaved, which is a blog for another day), but there might be a time limit. I know they are fine without me for a weekend, but I don`t handle it quite so well.

Appropriate Video Games

I am just going to refer to Jimmy (5) as J, and Eddie as E. This simplifies my life so much. This post is about video games, but not so much limiting the time they are played as limiting the types that are played. Recap: J has two blocks of video game time per day (one on school days). He earns up to 30 minutes of video game time for each block, with activities like writing, colouring, counting money, reading, or anything else that develops his mind.

The games J plays are appropriate for his age. Much older kids play them too, but there is no inappropriate content and they are rated E for everyone. Anything Mario, Sonic, and various sports and fitness games make up his collection. I don't allow fighting games, gun games, or anything not rated E.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to let children play games that are little more mature if they can handle it. J can't. He has nightmares and night terrors, and a high level of anxiety about anything questionable, so it's not a good idea to expose him to mature themes and violence.

Just as I understand that some children can handle things easier than J, I don't understand how anyone can let a five year old play a game that is rated for the 18 plus age group. 17+ games have violence and blood, while 18+ have gratuitous sexual content. I am talking about games like Grand Theft Auto, in which the player has the option to buy the services of a prostitute (they call them much worse), and then kill her afterward to get their money back.

J went to a friend's house a couple of months ago for a proposed sleepover. He called before eating dinner and wanted to come home. I knew something was wrong by the way he was acting, but he wouldn't tell me anything until bedtime. He was afraid he was going to get into trouble, because when he arrived his friends were playing a game that was way too mature for their age.

It was rated 18+, and featured killing zombies, lots of weapons, lots of blood, lots of sexual content, and lots of bad language. He was terrified I was going to be angry with him for even watching them play it for a few minutes. He went downstairs and asked his friend's mom to turn it off, and she did. Apparently she wasn't angry that they were playing it though. It was a non-issue. When I picked him up and asked if there was anything that had upset him, she said no, he was just homesick.

It affected J a lot though. He had nightmares for over a week about it, and his anxiety level was through the roof. He kept looking over his shoulder and didn't even play his own video games for three days, which don't feature any guns.

I'm not one to judge other parents for the choices they make for their own children. I do want to know that there's some common sense involved when my child is at their house. I was angry for J's sake, and angry that she didn't even mention it. I haven't really spoken to her since, but J and that boy are best friends and it's been months since they've seen each other.

Several parents have given me advice on how to deal with this, such as talk to her about it, or only let them play together here, but I have still procrastinated. I don't have a problem with confrontation, but I don't want J to lose a good friend over this and I know how sensitive people can be about parenting decisions.

I need to do something though, because J has a play date with this boy in the next week or two, and I don't want it happening again. He has been invited to their house, so I will probably ask her to keep track of what games they are playing and keep the visit under two hours. J's anxiety has gone up again, because although he is excited about seeing his friend again, he has been asking me what to do if it happens again. I have told him I will talk to her first, but he can't quite accept that and keeps asking.

Everyone has different parenting philosophies and I try not to judge other people. I know I'm not perfect. But when it involves my child's well-being then I have to say something. It's good for kids to experience different households and different rules and routines, but I have to draw the line somewhere, and I draw it there.

Mom time ????? what's that?

I know that fostering independence is healthy for kids, just as I know that they don't need me every single second of the day. Which means that technically I have time to read a few pages or exercise for a bit. Maybe I need to get my priorities straight, but I can't seem to find that time anywhere, and believe me, I've looked. It's not just sitting around waiting for me. If I can't find the time though, at least I can make the time. It's an extension of the yoga idea you do while holding your baby. I have tried this too by the way, but both my kids were too squirmy to find their zen.

To find time to do the things I want, I have found that it's really quite simple to include my children.. This doesn't exactly qualify as "me time," and some activities need to be tweaked a little to work, but it's the easiest cheat I know of.


There was a time when I devoted over an hour, six nights a week, to exercise. I lost over 70 pounds and was a size 8 for two weeks. Then I got pregnant with Eddie. And I gained 50 of those pounds back and I'm sure many mothers can relate. Now with two children, I am not quite so motivated to spend my evening time working out, so I have to fit it in when my kids are up.

I don't even bother to set them up with toys. I give Jimmy a weight or something, and put Eddie in the front row of the audience. Then I get down to it. I alternate with jumping jacks, karate kicks, lunges, squats, and situps. These are the best exercises, because as well as effectively toning and making me tired in five minutes or less, they also look completely ridiculous. Jimmy is happy to imitate me, and Eddie thinks it's his own private comedy show. Everyone's happy.

Now for that book I've been meaning to get to for weeks. The one I've picked up several times to read the first page and put down again, because someone needs a diaper change or a game of Go Fish. The best way to get to the second page is to haul out the train tracks. There are four and half years difference between Jimmy and Eddie, but they both play with the same train set. This can keep Jimmy amused for hours, and Eddie will sit for maybe ten  minutes, putting the trains on the track. Voila! I may even get a chapter finished (if I'm quick).

There are a couple other tricks, but they are more age specific and won't work on both at the same time. If Eddie is napping, I will challenge Jimmy to complete something in x amount of time, like a puzzle or writing a sentence that he comes up with himself. If Jimmy is in school, I can put Eddie in his high chair with his own puzzle or some blocks to play with. These techniques only last about five minutes, but when I need a breather, it's enough.

Now for all of you who drink coffee, I hope your kids let you. Eddie has tried coffee before and loves it. I need at least two coffees a day (usually four), and I cannot drink it anywhere Eddie can see me. So I have to act like an addict sneaking a hit to get it. The coffee cup hides behind the microwave. I will then get Eddie to look away while I run into the kitchen and guzzle as much as I can. I'm sorry, but I don't have advice for anyone who wants a coffee break.

So by the end of the day, if I add together all my free time while the kids are up, I get about half an hour. Sometimes it's less, and sometimes it's more. I don't want to have too much time to myself though. Right now the boys want to spend time with me and I enjoy them. I'm going to wake up one day and they'll be teenagers and want nothing to do with me. I probably won't enjoy them as much then either. So half an hour's good enough.
 

Insight

If you tell your son from the age of two that he needs to put the toilet seat up to pee, and you repeat this every time he goes to the washroom, he will likely be able to remember on his own just before his sixth birthday.

Mothers with mothers

If you are a mom, you probably know that your kids don't appreciate you at times. They don't have to though when they are young. We as parents are the ones to make sacrifices for them, and they're not supposed to know how much we are sacrificing. Why not? Because we are their parents. That's it. As children, they deserve to have caring and generous parents who look after them and let them be kids. They shouldn't worry about how much they owe us, or how hard it is to get through a day sometimes with an hour of sleep. Good moms are the ultimate martyrs, because we suck it up and carry on.

Which brings me to my next point. When my kids are parents, I will expect them to appreciate me. It's hypocritical to start your own family and never look back to see how much your own parents have done for you. This applies to healthy families with healthy relationships obviously, because I have seen some pretty ungrateful adult children, but maybe it should apply to them as well.

Just today on the bus there was a woman, maybe in her 20's, complaining loudly about her own mother. I will not get into my thoughts on private conversations in a public place right now, but private or not, it was very enlightening.

Here's a recap: She called her mom on Christmas Eve to ask her to contribute to the meal, her mom said she had an attitude and dropped off the presents for her son early, thus ruining Christmas because she wouldn't go to or take anyone else to her daughter's Christmas dinner. It was a much longer conversation than that, but that's the main part.

I don't know what the daughter's attitude is like, but with how she was talking on the phone I suspect her mom might have had a point. I also don't have the other side of the story, so she could have been right that her mom was a "lazy piece of **** who does nothing for me while I bend over backwards for her."

What really got me though, was how she doesn't ask her mom for anything. The occasional ride when she does grocery shopping and free babysitting when she has a date. But she has never asked her for food, alcohol, cigarettes,or money to pay her bills! What? She said this so nonchalantly that she expected to be praised for it. Oh my, you are so good to your mother that you don't get her to pay your cable? Or for your alcohol or smokes? You must be a saint.

Sorry, I am a little bitter over this. I know that people need help sometimes, and parents are happy to give it sometimes, and I am not judging anyone for that. I am specifically referring to this attitude of entitlement because people don't ask for these things. I certainly don't expect my mom to appreciate me more because I have never asked her to buy food for my kids.

Getting back to the real issue though, I have no idea what happened in that relationship to make it what it is. I only hope that as adults and parents we can find it in ourselves to appreciate our own mothers a little more. Maybe it takes some patience sometimes, but that's when we have to think about all the patience it took not to scream when we tried to flush the cat down the toilet at 2 years old. Maybe it takes some effort, but let's remember how much effort it was to wash that special shirt every night of the week so we could wear it again to school when we were 7. And maybe it even takes time to have a conversation with your mother, but how about the time it took to bake your favourite cookies, or take you to all those swim lessons or Girl Guide meetings?

All I'm saying is, no matter what has passed between you and your own mother, there are things she has done for you without expecting any gratitude in return. If you have a bad relationship with your mom, this will give you some perspective. Maybe you'll even call her to say thank you for your cool birthday party that one year. If you have a good relationship with your mom, thank her anyway and go cook her favourite meal.

Developmental toys

There are numerous toys on the market that promote making your baby smarter, more social, more talkative, more curious, more likely to dress himself at nine months......You get the point. I admit I am guilty of buying some of these toys. Commercialism does get to me sometimes.

That said, I think I am much more careful than the average parent when it comes to spending money on a toddler toy. Yes there are a lot of benefits to buying a kid a toy drum set, but what's wrong with a pot and wooden spoon? They get the same benefit from the baking apparatus, you likely already own it so it's free, and the best part? The dishes already have a home in your cupboards so you don't have to magically come up with more storage space for toys!

There are many ways to use what you already have to your advantage. For instance, I just read an article that recommended buying toy brooms, brushes, and dish sets so children can play make believe with real daily activities. I say ridiculous. And I say it loudly! Give the toddler a real brush so he can actually brush his hair instead of pretending to brush it. Give a toddler some plastic or paper dishes so he can actually eat off of real plates, instead of pretending to eat fake food off a fake plate. And give that child a real broom already! Eddie is fifteen months and he already sweeps the floor. Not well mind you, but still.

If you still have the urge to go out and spend  money on something for your child, put it into an RESP or buy some clothes for the next stage of growth (because you know they're going to get bigger soon).

 Here's another example to drive the point home After dinner at our house is family chore time. I give Eddie a wet cloth and he wipes his tray. Then he gets the dust buster for all the food he has dropped (or thrown) onto the floor. Then he knows to put all his toys in all their buckets, and he knows the right ones for them too! He cleans better than many adults I know and he's very happy to do it.. I really wouldn't force a toddler to clean if it made him miserable.

So give the kids real stuff whenever it is safe and convenient to do so. They will learn a lot more from it, and it will save you tons of money. Of course, imaginary play is important too, so give them a banana and pretend it's a phone, or turn some boxes into whatever you want. That takes more creativity from a child than a ready made toy with all the fixings.

One last thing. There are times when toys are better than the real thing of course. Like power tools, ovens, etc. I only hope you can save some money by picking and choosing what to buy. And although I can't see any developmental benefit to it at all, I believe every toddler needs a ball popper/popcorn maker push toy thing. Just not when I'm home please!

Some people's children

Many parents are probably familiar with the following situation. You are at the park, or library, or some other public place and your child is playing with or alongside another child. The other child begins to act inappropriately, for example snatching a toy  or hitting someone else. The other parent sits obliviously, caught up in some other activity that is not watching their child. Or worse, the parent watches their child behaving like this and simply ignores it. At what point do you step in and take control of the situation so your own child is not affected by it? And how much are you allowed to say to another person's child in a disciplinary measure, if their own parent is right there and not reacting?

I read some advice in a magazine today that said a good approach is saying something like, "They're getting rough, let's step in and make sure no one gets hurt," and then go deal with the situation, on your own if need be. This is a good approach in some ways, because it is non-accusatory and allows the other parent the option of stepping in with their own child. I would never do this though, because it seems too false and practiced. I also believe that if a parent is sitting and allowing their child to behave in a hurtful manner, not much change is going to come from me stepping in like this. I applaud parents who will use this technique though, because it is effective and gets the point across.

For those like me, who would be uncomfortable with saying something like that to a parent, I have my own techniques I would like to share. First let me clarify two things. I think if older children disagree about something, they should be given a chance to work it out constructively before adult intervention. Second, I don't blame children for acting inappropriately. There have been several times when my own children are the first to act out. I am specifically talking about parents who don't react in a potentially harmful situation.

So here is what I do when my children are being good and another child is not acting nicely. I go to my child and say, "This boy or girl is not sharing nicely. What (or who) else can you play with?" I make sure I am audible but not obvious. This is a brilliant way to get the point across, because the parent usually takes notice when I am talking about their child and will sometimes step in. It also gives the other child a clear message that if he or she wants to play with others, they need to be nice.

The only exception to this is when there is physical violence. I will speak to another person's child directly if they hit my kids. I will remove my child from the area and say, "We won't play here when you are doing that." The stubborn children will follow and try to hit some more, at which point the other parent (still doing nothing) receives the full benefit of my judgment. I will say something like, "Do you think it's fair for your kid to be the only one playing here when he's the only one hurting people?" At which point they almost always take their kids and go, with a dirty look or  nice, loud expletive for me of course.

If you are wondering what to do in a situation where you might have to discipline another person's child, my advice is don't worry about it too much. Focus on your own children and speak as you normally would to them. By being vocal about your decisions to play somewhere else or with someone else, you are teaching your own child about appropriate reactions. Others may or may not get the hint, but that's not up to you.

It's normal to wonder

My fifteen month old son, Eddie, is a happy, energetic, smart, and curious toddler. He was within the normal range walking (14 months), but to hear every other mother in the universe bragging abaout their child walking at seven months, eight months, etc. you would think there was something wrong with him. This competition among mothers is common, although detrimental to everyone. The ones bragging most loudly about their children are going to be the most disappointed when their child misses a step (and all children do at one point).

Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. This competition leads to doubts among mothers. Is my child smart enough? Is my child strong enough? How aware is he compared to other children his age? Why can't he pick up a spoon yet? These are only a few of the questions that all mothers ask themselves. The one I am asking myself is, "Does my toddler have a speech or language problem?"

Jimmy was talking in sentences when he was a little over one. This is not bragging, because that was his one thing to master. He didn't care about puzzles, or using his hands much, or moving around. That kid needed to have his say and have it clearly. Even at five, he has the language skills of someone twice his age. But with every other milestone he was within the average range. That kid is not meant to be quiet!

But Eddie is past fifteen months and doesn't really have any regular words yet. There's mama and dada of course, but that's about it. He can say almost all the letters in his babbling, which is normal for his age, and he has repeated tons of words I have said. Once. Among the words he has spoken are cat, banana, dog, more, tree, snow, outside, bird, apple and tons more. But he will not say them twice. He understands a lot though. He can follow directions like "Get your boots and bring them here," and he has gestures for everything. He has some regular sounds for specific things, such as "dat" for ball and "na" for any type of food, but not words that make sense or even sound like the real word.

All the baby and toddler guides for language development say that at the very least he should have five clear, understandable, regular words by this age. He has one. Aside from mama and dada, he has "nana" for banana. So should I be worried? Should I talk to his doctor and ask to see a speech pathologist? I don't know. I think I will give him a couple more weeks to see if he starts talking more, but if he doesn't, maybe I will get someone to evaluate him. Or maybe not. I've heard of kids who haven't said a single word until they are three, and then begin talking normally. I guess it's a question of whether I want to diagnose a problem where there might not be one, or ignore a problem where there might be one.

Eddie is extremely advanced though when it comes to dexterity. He was using a spoon appropriately (and even sort of neatly) by eleven months. He can put together block puzzles and take things apart like a three year old. Again, not bragging. That is HIS one thing. He is not learning impaired. I have often said that he has "cute baby syndrome," which means he is so cute he doesn't need to speak. People just get him what he wants. He communicates it easily enough, just not with words.

I know most parents can or will someday be able to relate to this. At some point, every child will cause his parents to wonder if he is "normal." He is. It doesn't make me worry less though. But I will have faith in my child and let him move at his own pace, offering support when he needs it and accepting him no matter what.

It's been a Day

In the interest of proper English and formatting, I don't usually capitalize any but the first word in my title. The word "Day" is meant to have a capital D, because it replaces so many longer cliches. "A long day," "a hard day," a stressful day," or "a trying day." And it has definitely been all of the above.

It started when Jimmy (5 years) woke up and announced he is excited that school is starting again soon. Then he promptly went downstairs and began screaming and dancing and knocking things over in his excess of joy. From there, all the rules went out the window. For those who read my post on the break in routines, I think maybe my boy had a delayed reaction.

The morning was full of reminders to give space, calm down, breathe slowly, don't touch, please stop! Now you'll notice that the positive direction eventually turned to negative phrasing, which I noticed as well. For all you positive disciplinarians out there shaking a finger at me, please note that neither method worked.

The afternoon involved some quiet time (writing lines), and plans for a trip to the library. This is one of Jimmy's favourite outings, so maybe I shouldn't have told him the specifics. We were all bundled up and ready to go, and there was a catastrophe. I forget what it was (they all run together at this point), but it ended in a timeout and a tantrum. So the library was taken off the agenda.

Then I thought, hey, he's been sick and cooped up at home, and hardly eating anything for a week. Fresh air and exercise would work wonders. So as the authority figure, I made the decision we were all going for a walk. I even offered to let him pull his brother in the sled, but that turned into another screaming fit. Long story short, we did go for a short walk, played outside for 45 minutes, and came back in.

The arguments stopped after that, but the focus and attention was nowhere to be seen. After breaking a few more things, hurting himself several times (minor accidents, but highly emotional events), and crying over the smallest thing, I decided to cut my losses and minimalize the damage for the rest of the day. Enter Thomas the Tank Engine.

Now I know that could be considered a reward for negative behaviour, but here's my reasoning. With the exception of midday, Jimmy was not intentionally breaking the rules. He was having a harder time than I was. He could not focus on anything, probably as the result of being sick for so long, and he was apologizing (with tears) all day. I don't want to give the kid a complex, so on Days, I have to decide how much is enough pressure for him. And he was feeling a lot of pressure to be good. And most of it was from himself.

So I did what I hope any parent would do. I gave him a big hug, told him I love him no matter what, and that when mommy gets angry she will get over it. He doesn't need to dwell on his mistakes any more than I do mine. Apologize and move on, hopefully after a lesson or two learned. I will let you know tomorrow if that lesson has been internalized.

Teenagers

I know that some of you think as a parent of a five year old and one year old, I am not qualified to talk about teenagers. Well, here are my qualifications:

I have been a group home counselor for almost fifteen years, dealing with all ages of children, and all levels of functioning. Specifically, I have worked with several high-functioning girls of the teenage variety, and let me tell you, in group homes they are just as difficult as in family homes. I have friends with teenaged children who are always sharing horror stories and things that have and haven't worked. And most importantly, my children are still young so I remember what it was like to be a teenager. Of course, when  my boys enter that age, I will forget everything relevant and know nothing, so I'd better put this out there now.

Most children of a certain age (commonly referred to as tweens), undergo a huge personality change. Parents are left wondering who this lookalike-terror really is, but after dealing with the raging temper tantrums (yep, they're back), the attitude, the arguing, and breaking rules, there's little energy to find out what alien life form has moved into your household. The best thing parents can do is keep things consistent and calm (on one side anyway).

I don't mean the rules can't change, because a later curfew and more freedom makes sense for older children, but keep the consequences of breaking the rules consistent. Maybe take away the rights to video games or friends' houses instead of a favourite teddy bear, but you get the picture. Of course, only extend the curfews or increase freedom if it has been earned with responsible behaviour. Hopefully, this is a system they recognize from your earlier parenting. If the consequences match the behaviour, good or bad, it will be effective.

Now the rule breaking (and earning) is taken care of, let's discuss attitude and arguments. Even the most docile of children can develop quite the language when they are struggling with puberty, social change, peer pressure, and all those hormones. I have found the best way to deal with any inappropriate verbal outbursts is to ignore them. Completely. For this to work though, you need to inform that angry teenager first that you will be ignoring all attitude, but you will gladly listen when they are more reasonable. Then walk away. If it helps, go to a place where you can't hear the insults and whining. After a few uses, this will be incredibly effective. Use this technique for the tantrums too.

Unfortunately, there is not much to be done about hormones. As parents, you sometimes need to pick your battles and understand that the unacceptable behaviour is not a teenagers fault, or goal. When that happens, provide some space and time for them to deal with whatever is going on in that teenage head. Then make yourself available to talk when he or she is ready. By doing this, you are showing your teenager that they need to learn how to deal with strong emotions, but you are there for help and support.

With all luck, you and your teenager will make it out of this stage relatively unharmed. Expect to be changed though. There is nothing and no one on this earth (maybe in this galaxy) quite like a teenager.