Bullies

Last week I found out that J has been putting up with bullies at school. I know that's an overused term, but despite my personal feelings on the English language and our tendency to go for trendy social issues, that's what it was. It's not really about the term anyway, but what happened to my son, how it affected him, how we dealt with it and what I think of anti-bully education. I will even provide a bullet-point list for my loyal readers.

• I got a note from J's teacher saying he called a girl "the hottest," and to please speak to him. He doesn't hear that language at home, so I knew he either heard it from older kids saying it to each other, or from someone in his class. It turned out that someone in his class (another 6 year-old) had persuaded him to say it. There was another boy too, encouraging him to say even more inappropriate things to girls (which thankfully, he didn't say, because he would have been suspended). J didn't know what these things meant but he was scared to refuse because he didn't want the other boys teasing him or not liking him, so he said it.
• When I tried talking to J about this, I was calm and supportive and told him I wasn't angry. As soon as I mentioned the note though, he ran up to his room and threw all his bedding around and started throwing toys and slamming doors. Needless to say, he was very upset. I calmed him down enough to have a conversation, but he was crying intermittently and had to walk away from me several times because he couldn't keep it together. I eventually managed to deliver the message that this wasn't his fault, and next time he should tell someone "no thanks, you go ahead and do that yourself." That way he is calling them out and letting them take responsibility for their own actions. He's also got a way to avoid being called a chicken, because if they won't do it either they probably won't call him that. He felt better, but he was scared to go to school Thursday and Friday. He was actually so stressed out that he vomited before school on both days. 
• Now for what we did about it. In addition to giving him a way to avoid being pressured into doing anything, I also had him talk to his dad about it. He was scared to at first, because he was ashamed and felt guilty, but I explained everything to P and they had a man-to-boy talk about bullying and people who matter. That helped J a great deal, and it reinforced some of what I said as well as gave him a second perspective to understand it better. I also sent J to school on Thursday and Friday, despite his upset tummy, because I want to teach him to face the things he's scared of. Of course I also told him that if things got worse or he wanted to come home I would pick him up, but he had to try. He didn't come home early either day, so I think that was great. He was very brave. I also phoned the teacher after I found out the whole story from J, and let her know what happened. On the advice of the therapists who will be working with J for anxiety, I told her a bit of what he is going through, and explained that he will always take the blame for any problem, even if he had nothing to do with it. I was also very clear on how I told him to handle it, and she told me how she was going to deal with the other boys involved. I was happy about this, but had to explain to J why she had to know. He was incredibly worried about "telling on them" and tried denying that it happened in the first place. The first day after this incident, one of the boys involved threatened him in a way that wouldn't have physically hurt him, but still qualifies as assault. Fortunately the teacher heard him say this and the boy was made to eat his lunch in the office. J was also moved to another table to eat, so he wouldn't have contact with the other boys. I followed up on Friday to make sure J was acting normally in school, and he was. There had been no further issue and hopefully there won't be this week.

• Now for my opinions on the social aspect of things. IL know you knew it was coming. While I'm happy with everything the teacher has done and how the school is reacting, I can't help but think this might not have happened so early if it weren't for the anti-bullying campaign being forced on children so young. Here's what I mean. Children are told what bullying is when they start school. This means some kids are 4 and some are 3. Yes, it's good to be aware, but I don't think children of this age can get the message clearly, no matter how simplified it is. I don't think they're ready for it at 6 either. If you don't believe me, collect a group of six year-olds and put them in a room together. Then try to teach them something important and socially significant, like avoiding peer pressure. Then ask them what the message was. Every kids in that room will say something different, because they can't understand the full message yet. Some will take one thing and think that's the entire message, while others will get it all mixed up and not make sense at all. The brain at six years can't handle important messages like this; it's biological. So let's apply that to the anti-bullying campaign at schools. Children are told what bullying is, how to spot it, how to stop it and how to avoid being a bully. Then they are encouraged to tell a teacher or adult, even if it means being made fun of. So here's how I think that would be interpreted in J's case. The boys who are bullying him are likely prone to it for some reason, either low self-esteem, unhappy home situations, poor role models, whatever. I don't know anything about them personally but I do know that bullies tend to have their own problems that are relieved by picking on someone else. So J likely would have faced some teasing or name-calling at this stage at any rate. But if these boys weren't taught so early how to be bullies, I believe the extreme case of it wouldn't have occurred until they were all much older. People who are prone to becoming bullies are given the chance to do so much earlier if they are taught exactly how to be a bully. That's the message I believe these kids take from the anti-bullying education. Now J, I know he hears all this stuff about bullying and he knows it's an important issue. His personal message though is this: If you tell on a bully, you will get picked on. The combination of his age, his disposition and his anxiety mean that he's learning to hide what's going on so he doesn't suffer further. If his teacher hadn't caught him saying that to a girl in class, he would never had told me about any of this and nothing would be resolved. It might have even come to him repeating the other thing (that was infinitely worse) and being sent home from school. Don't get me wrong here. I know young kids can still be mean to each other, but I fully believe if they weren't taught all this bullying stuff so early that right now J would be dealing with name-calling at the very worst. Which is still tough on kids, but not as tough as being intimidated to saying something one knows is wrong but doesn't know why, and then getting in trouble at school and having to face his parents and fearing he's in trouble then. Name calling can be explained at this age, and easily avoided. Having to explain what the term "hot" means to a first grader, and other, much older concepts (which we also had to do), should be left alone for years yet. 

I understand a lot of people disagree with me. I also understand that bullying is often taken to far more extreme cases than what we are going through. I don't want my opinion to be taken for anything more than what it is: an opinion.I think awareness is important but young children should be taught in a more age-appropriate manner. J came home last year and said he watched a movie with teenagers and bullying in class, and I know what those movies are. I saw them too, but I was in Grade Six when I watched them. If they were age-appropriate for a pre-teen, how can they also be age-appropriate for a child in kindergarten? Yes, bullying is a terrible thing and will always be an issue. Instead of prevention we need to empower children to overcome it. Let's just make sure they're ready to get the message though first.