Practising the Terribles

I hope my readers know that I don't usually capitalize random words in a title. It's bad form. "Terribles," however, is used here as a proper noun. Let me explain. E is turning two on Tuesday. For the last couple months he has been practising the Terribles, just to make sure he's got it down before his birthday. He's always been an overachiever.

At some point in the summer he discovered that he doesn't always have to agree with me. In fact, he found out that he can disagree with me about everything. "No" has become his favourite word. Now I know there's nothing spectacular about this; all kids go through this phase and it's completely normal, even boring. What's not normal is the emphasis he puts on the phrase, especially when he's talking about something that he likes. (Disclaimer: I know what follows is also bad grammatical form but this is for illustrative purposes)

Imagine if you will, a child who wakes up happy, playing with his bear and calling, "Mommy, get up. Awake awake awake!" There is a smile for a greeting and a sweet little voice saying, "Moooooommmmmmmy!" Enter diaper change. "NO BUM CHANGE! NO NO NO! MOMMY NO BUM! NO BUM CHANGE! NO GET YOU! NO CHASE E! NO BUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!" Followed by the dirty look that I can get nowhere else. This child has developed a dirty look that would make people cry, but I'm his mother, so of course I think it's cute.

It's not enough to scream down the house at six in the morning though. Once I wrangle him into a dry diaper, he usually goes to the fridge to let me know he's hungry. He has this endearing little habit of opening the door, looking up and down and all over the shelves, saying "Hmmmmmmmmm," until he asks for what he wants. It's usually yogurt. So I will get him yogurt, because that's the type of mom I am, put him in his seat and lovingly set the yogurt in front of him. To which he responds, "MOMMY NO YOGURT! MOMMY< LISTEN! DON"T DO THAT! LOOK AT ME MOMMY! MOMMY LOOK AT ME! NOOOOOOOO YOOOOOOGUUUUUUURT!!!!!!!MOMMY!" And a dirty look. After he has completed this ritual, he eats the yogurt.

The problem with this is not that he has an opinion, or even that he expresses it so freely. Nor is it that he is contrary and just says "no" for the heck of it. It's not even his volume. My ears are well-tuned to the sound of a tantrum (it's not all J's fault, I was a behavioural counsellor for over a decade). No, the problem is simply that he is so darned cute, even when he's angrier than anyone alive.

For anyone who hasn't seen my child, he is undeniably adorable. Not a day goes by when several people don't comment on it. Even people who see him often seem to constantly remark on his level of cute-ness. I'm not bragging here. I know that he's cute, but I honestly get sick of hearing it. Sometimes I wish he weren't so cute, so people would notice his other positive attributes. It's gotten to the point that when someone says he's cute, I respond with, "He's got other things going for him. He's smart too, you know. And funny." So rather than bragging about it, I'm half complaining about it.

Before you condemn me for that, I will explain the problem I was alluding to before.He is so cute and cuddly looking that when he's mad I just want to hug him and laugh. Not laugh at him, but laugh because it's so priceless to see that perfect little face all screwed up in rage, shooting daggers like only some skilled people ever have the ability to do. It's extremely difficult to respond appropriately.

This aside, he's also practising his non-compliance. This also involves ample use of the word "no," but rather than arguing with me he is refusing to listen. "NO GO IN! NO EAT! NO STOP PLAYING! NO NO NO!" This is much easier to respond to, because after two verbal prompts I will physically assist him to listen. That means pick him up if he needs to go somewhere, or hold him in place while he puts away his toys. The problem here is that I have to chase him, and he's fast! Fortunately, if we're at home he doesn't have anywhere to run but in a circle and I can position myself to catch him as he passes. But then he thinks it's funny and can't remember what the lesson was.

Another way to practise the Terribles is to practise his aggression. He's not the aggressive sort (not yet) and he's more testing what he can do. He will run up and try to push me, or kick my legs when I'm holding him. He even accompanies it with a question, "Kick Mommy?" Mommy responds, "No, we don't kick. That's not nice." And of course that earns me the dirty look and sometimes a full-out tantrum. "E KICK MOMMY!!!!!" PLEASE!!!!"

All this fun aside, there are a couple things I know from being a behavioural counsellor and a second-child parent. Here's my advice, applicable no matter when the Terrible Twos begins for you. No matter how cute your child is, try not to laugh when they are acting up. It's hard, but you don't want to go down that road, trust me. Sometimes you need to use simple directions when you're stating the rules. "Hitting is not nice," is better than, "OWWWWWW!" I have tested both of these reactions, and the first is more effective. Don't be afraid to follow up with a physical prompt, whether it's moving your child to where you asked him to go or providing hand-over-hand assistance to finish that cereal. And finally, if you know it's attention-seeking behaviour and injury and health are not a concern, ignore. If something doesn't get a reaction, it will become boring very quickly. It's important to remember to ignore the behaviour, not the child. This is also a lifesaver when you have to turn away to hide a smile.........