Positive Parents

I read some advice years ago about maintaining healthy relationships. For every five interactions you have with someone, at least four should be positive. This applies to all relationships, such as with friends, siblings, parents, spouses, etc. For the purpose of this post though, I will focus on the relationships with our children.

It is definitely hard some days to think that 80 % of our interactions should be positive, especially on the days when our children are testing limits and not listening. It is easy to fall back on our own impatience and raise our voices, demand more from them, and keep the negative energy going. I personally can to this; it happens to the best of us, I promise.

On those days though, I always try to remember the happy rule, or the magic ratio. Before you all think I respond to rule breaking with, "that's great sweetie, let's do that again,"I will stipulate that discipline doesn't have to be a negative interaction. A parent can respond to rule breaking without threats, yelling, or impatience. An example would be, "that's not how we play, let's try without the throwing." That's still discipline, it's effective, and in my opinion it is positive.

Maybe the only positive thing about it is that I'm not losing my mind, but it counts toward my four happy interactions. For anyone who hasn't actively tried counting the number of positive interchanges with their kids, please do. It is so easy to change a pattern once we can recognize it, and children will have a lot less pressure and many better days with more relaxed parents.

When I read this article, I remember it was a tough time for Jimmy. He was acting up a lot, practicing his attitude (how else will he get better at it?), and arguing. I remember thinking that most of our interactions were pretty negative because of this behaviour. I tried the ratio thing the next day, and it was as if I had a different child. He started following rules, listening better, and actually using his manners while talking to me.

I had to own up to the fact that while it's not my fault a child misbehaves (they're all going to), I was not doing what I could to help him change his attitude. Now I recognize that instead of letting his (completely normal) testing behaviour affect me, it is much better for everyone to let my positive and calm (mostly) behaviour affect him instead.

Of course some days are harder than others to keep this in mind, but I am the grown up here and I fully believe that I should be the responsible one. So next time your kids drive you up the wall, put on a happy face (or a less angry one at least) and pretend you are having a good day. It will turn better. If it doesn't, blame me.