There are some times when I think that mothering comes more naturally to some than others. I have a friend with a four-year old boy and I have never heard her raise her voice. I've never even heard a frustrated tone from her. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard her say "no." She will discipline of course, but it always seems to be positive discipline. Of course, I don't know what goes on when I'm not around, but from what I do see she has the patience of a saint. And that's not to say her child even misbehaves, but there are days when I can't imagine even the slightest mistake causing me frustration.
I am patient. I am caring. But yes, I have lost it on a few occasions. There are days when mommy needs a timeout. I have never been mean to my children though. If I notice that my voice sounds angry I apologize, take a minute, and return to the conversation with a nicer tone. I understand my children aren't always trying to make me upset. I don't know when good judgment naturally develops, but it's not by age 5. The point is I try. I will be reasonable and kind with my discipline, as much as I am able to.
So try to imagine my surprise when, on the bus, I heard a woman telling her 6 year old daughter to "Sit down and shut up, or I will throw you out of this bus and it will run you over!" What? That's not even a joke. Maybe at some point it was trying to be but I'm not going to give it the benefit of the doubt. There are some things you just don't say to kids.
It amazes me that people come up with these ways of speaking to anyone, much less their own children. I have heard many lines, among them: "Stop or I'll make your *** red," "Shove it," "Be quiet or you will live in the basement," "I will send you away forever," and "Do you want to be smacked?" These are only the ones that stand out in my memory, but when I hear things like this I have to wonder, should these people have kids?
A side note; I am not talking about parents who make mistakes. Most parents have had a moment when they realize what they've just said is completely inappropriate. The damage here can be minimal if apologies are made and things are explained to a child. And I am not promoting the idea of children having total freedom either. Children need discipline, but it can be just as effective if it is enforced in a respectful way. I am talking here about parents who use this language with their children as naturally as breathing, and you can tell when that's the case. It's easy to recognize when this is a normal pattern.
I know that sometimes having a bad day makes a parent less patient. I know that there are things that happen in the adult world that have nothing to do with kids that put us in a vicious mood. But the important thing is, this has nothing to do with the kids! Don't take it out on them. Worse is when people are having a fine day but they talk to their children like this anyway. Since when was it okay to threaten a child by being run over? Or sending a child away forever? I know the times have changed and spanking is not tolerated by the law, but why is it okay to replace it with threats?
If most parents would stop to think, they would realize that most of the time children do not deliberately make us angry. There are times when they test their limits, and there are times when they just want to break the rules, but for the most part they try to please us when they are young. Children make mistakes. Adults make mistakes. The difference is, adults have the choice to learn from their mistakes. Children rely on parents to teach them. Speaking to children in a derogatory, insulting, or threatening way is not going to help the child learn positive behaviour.
Making a child feel appreciated is paramount to teaching a child about respect and boundaries. A kid who hears threats spoken in anger will go through isolation and a feeling of never being good enough. It doesn't matter if a parent threatens once, or threatens a hundred times. Once is too much.
Children who are spoken to this way are more likely to develop anger and control issues, because they are not supported or nurtured when they make an honest mistake. They are learning instead that the parent is the boss, and these are the rules. Follow the rules, or else. Or else what? It's different in every case but it's never good. At least not according to the threats. When these children grow up they will not have the tools to make healthy choices. They will not have positive role models to connect with. They will have learned that it is okay to respond to a problem with anger and intimidation.
Maybe I should have said something to the mom on the bus. I didn't and I am a little ashamed. My reason though, was that my own children were with me and I don't want them to pay any attention to that language. If I pay attention to it, they are more likely to be affected by it. And I really don't think mentioning it would have changed any patterns of bahaviour. Some might disagree, but that's my reason. And there were at least 30 other people on that bus who didn't say anything. This is not a justification, but I bring it up because it makes me wonder if they disapproved of the way a mother was talking to her child, or if they thought it was fine. I didn't. And I never will. If people like that aren't willing to speak to their children as humans, maybe people like that shouldn't reproduce.
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