Maybe it's the lack of structure during the summer, or the change in routine or the hot weather. Maybe it's something completely different, but J has been acting up again. I don't know where his brain is some days, because there is nothing about throwing a muffin across the room to see if it bounces off the wall and stays in one piece that seems like a good idea to me. Or scratching my knees with his toes every time he sits at the table to eat. Or standing on the seat of the bus to jump off into the aisle.
I know there will always be days of poor judgment, but this seems like pretty extreme poor judgment on a regular basis. I want to be positive and focus on the good things, but most of what I say to him has to be about correcting his behaviour. It's a negative pattern that neither of us like, but how necessary is it? I sometimes feel if he had a little less pressure that he would act more rationally (or safely). So I think about correcting him less and letting him do his thing. But then I look at other kids his age, who don't have to hang upside-down on the pool railings or climb the walls of the church where his day camp is held. Literally, he holds on to the furniture and walks his feet up the walls until he falls on his face. And then I go back to the corrections.
It's not really a matter of letting him do it and learning he's going to get hurt. He's been hurt numerous times from lack of common sense, and I see no improvement resulting from experience. But it seems like whenever I tell him something is inappropriate or unsafe, it goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes it doesn't even make it to the first ear....
Now as a former behavioural counsellor, I know that repetition and consistency are the mainstays of any communication. I'm just wondering how much repetition and consistency is necessary here, because he's much more impulsive than many other children I've seen. Sure, my family tells me, "he's fine, let him be a kid." But then I see children his own age who are quite capable of thinking things through before deciding to slam an ice cream cone in someone's face (he was "trying to distract his brother"). I'm just wondering when he's going to catch up.
I know there's nothing wrong with his brain. He's a good thinker when it comes to academic stuff. It's the normal decisions that are hard. I can talk him through it so he will come up with a reasonable alternative, but that takes a long time and a lot of effort for every choice throughout a day. If I don't though, he won't even think about the choices that he can make and do the first thing that pops into his head. There was nothing in my social work history about impulse control, because my former clients were not fully functioning children who were capable of it. J is a fully functioning child, and a very smart one as well, but I have days where I truly believe he's not capable of impulse control either.
When it gets really bad (like recently) I question what I've done wrong to make him so unprepared for "normal" behaviour. I can't come up with anything specific, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a horrible parent. He gets so upset when I'm disappointed, but that doesn't stop him from being impulsive. There is no answer he can give me for why he doesn't think things through. But it breaks my heart to see him so upset because he feels like a failure. So if anyone has any similar experience, or any way to help us out, please leave a comment. I am frustrated and J is sad and the more rules we come up with for him, the worse he gets. It's a Catch-22, because if I relax about the rules then he will hurt himself or his brother, and if I tighten up on the rules he will get sad and start talking about being a horrible boy who shouldn't have anyone. Yes, these are his own words. So I may or may not be doing things backwards, but I'm not sure which way to go from here. Major parental insecurity stage in progress.......
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